today, i took a shower.
I found the following entry in my journal, from a little over a year ago…
The girl who wrote this was trying so badly to find light in her dark. She carried the weight of a sinking depression and hid it almost TOO well.
I wish I could tell her how well she was doing, how cool that lil 4 month old would be in a year. I wouldn’t tell her that this was the beginning of his sleeplessness that lasted another 9 months. But mostly, I wish I could tell her how she overcame this, and I wish I could tell her that she WILL make it out alive.
“June 3rd, 2020
Today, my teething, sleepless 4-month-old fell asleep in his walker. I took pictures of the cuteness and picked him up, fully expecting this to jolt him awake as normally any mundane sound does.
He stayed asleep.
I took him into his bedroom, turned on the sound machine and laid him in his crib. I expected his eyes to flutter open and to hear him start his rebuttal.
He stayed asleep.
I walked away and shut the door behind me. I stood in silence, waiting for his final “got cha” moment.
He stayed asleep.
Immediately I thought about every little thing I needed to do to make this the most of this unexpected nap.
I could finish up my homework for my master’s program. I could wrap up the work project I had been working on for a few days (mostly in the early morning hours when the baby would fall back asleep at 4 am and I knew I was clear until my husband left for work at 6:30). I could finish our taxes. I could make that call I’d put off for a few weeks… or a month, I’m not quite sure at this point. I could do the dishes. I could fold the laundry. I could strip the beds and wash the sheets. I could start prepping dinner.
The list kept going.
I looked at the monitor, he was OUT. None of those things, not today.
Today, I took a shower.
I washed my face, like really washed it, not just quickly taking my make up off or rubbing soap on it hurriedly while my conditioner soaked.
I took the time to find my good face wash, my circular brush, and I washed my face.
I washed my hair, I even ran a deep conditioner in and shaved my legs while it “settled”
I glanced at the monitor; he was still asleep.
I sat down and let the water run over my face, something I haven’t done since my pregnancy. I started to cry.
To be honest, I was surprised it took me so long. Teething has done a number on my normally restful, right on schedule, happy baby. He hasn’t slept in a few days. He has screamed most of the day. He has refused my nipple, a bottle, and a spoon feed… except for at 1 am, or 3 am, he seems to be okay eating then.
I sunk into the water.
Up until now, today I felt like I lost. Just like the day before. Defeated by noon, once again. I was tired, I was angry, I was overwhelmed, I was easily flustered-with my work, with my son, with my husband, even my dang dogs had sent me over the edge.
And then, I took a shower.
Today, I took a shower. Because I wanted to, not because the baby needed to, or because I hadn’t in a while, or because I got pooped on, or whatever else.
Today I showered, for me. Something routine I used to take for granted truly felt like a gift.
Today, I took a shower. I learned that self-care is not just ‘self’-care when so many are depending on you.
Today, taking a shower was the best thing I could do for my son. It was the best thing I could do for my marriage. It bettered my family, it refreshed my mind, it restarted my day.
I am levelheaded, I am rested, I am restored.
Today, I took a shower.”
