the beginning

Let’s start from the beginning. As in, my very first primitive blog post on instagram….

(see instagram for all post prior to publishing the website in july 2021, y’all know I don’t have it together enough to go back that far)

At 3 months post partum I started to feel an overwhelming amount of guilt. The pressures of everyday life were to much to bear, and the main thing that pulled me through were the moments I got to breastfeed my son.

I slowly started recognizing how bad things were getting. It hurt to get out of bed. It hurt to think about all the things that needed to get done. I was constantly putting pressure on my self to “be productive”. That’s when the ~thoughts~ started.

It started off as “if I didn’t exist, x wouldn’t be a problem” or “They deserve someone better, who can handle this”

It slowly developed to “I could drive into to headlights”, “It would look like an accident”, “they would be better off if i were dead”

A sweet boy with a sweeter smile who was attached to my hip (well, my boob), was my constant reminder of the little life who depended on me, and I would absolutely never put him in harms way. Every moment with him saved my life, day after day.

And then it was time for him to start daycare so I could work. That’s when panic set in. I was afraid to drive. Afraid to be by myself. Afraid I would do something impulsive. That’s when I was sure this was bigger than me and I could no longer manage it on my own and I started seeking help.

The day I sought help, I became a better wife, a better mom, and a better me

Seeking help changed my life, but it didn’t put an end to my problems. It really was just the beginning of my journey