10 Years

Lets talk about the #10yearschallenge.

10 years. That’s a long time. 10 years ago I was 16.

Here’s what I remember about being 16.

I filled my spare time with softball and volleyball. When I wasn’t at school or at practice, I was babysitting. I was obsessed with my dog, Luke. I think I wanted to be an author or a lawyer, but only because I was really good at arguing with my mom, and fluent in Latin. I pursued modeling for exactly 1 week before deciding that was absolutely not for me. I wanted to go to The University of Colorado, I don’t even remember why.

I don’t think I was sure about much when I was 16, but I very vividly remember, dreaming about being a mom.

Its been 10 years….

I didn’t make anything of my sports career – but my best friends from softball and volleyball are still my best friends today.

My dog Luke will be 12 this year.

I didn’t become a lawyer – but I have a masters in Tax Law, which is nerdy in its own right.

I didn’t go to Colorado, but had the best time at OU.

My dream of becoming mom – that one did come true. It is everything I could have ever hoped for. I could have never imagined the journey to get here would have been as hard as it was - but I made it and I think 16 year old me would be so excited about that.

Instead of making this about the past 10 years (because its boring, we get it, I became an adult I don’t need to recap my early 20’s…it was messy… lets move on), I want to look forward. Lets be cheesy, lets ask the question… “where do you see yourself in 10 years?”

I have never thought this through, or wrote this out, but I want to, and I’m excited to. I feel like there has been a huge shift in energy, and we are preparing for something big. I just have this feeling that the next 10 years are going to be my PRIME (this is coming from the girl that adamantly believed she peaked in 8th grade until about 6 months ago).

Here is what I am manifesting in my next 10 years.

At 36, –

• I am approaching my 13th wedding anniversary with the absolute love of my life.

• I am mom to more than 1 kid, but hopefully less than 5. (still a point of contention in my marriage, but I feel pretty confident the answer is more than 2 and less than 5, sorry reese!)

• My family is fully invested in following my kids passions. On the weekends, if we aren’t at tournaments or showing animals at a county fair, we are camping, traveling and exploring.

• I am an independent, successful business owner. (more to come on this dream in the coming months, hopefully)

• I’ve built a business so successful that it’s allowed my husband to make his hobby business a full time gig, we both get make our own schedules.

• I am an author; I have finally pursued my lifelong dream of writing a book.

• I have a hobby. Something I do just for me. (I’m working on figuring out what this one is)

• After years of creating humans and sustaining life, my body belongs to me again. I have a positive, healthy relationship with it.

• My funny farm is thriving. My brahma heifer, Doof, loves to be ridden like a horse (if you don’t know what a brahma is – it’s God’s most favored centaur – except instead of part goat its part hunchback of Notre Dame, part cow, part bunny)

• My dog, Luke, will be turning 22, he is in exceptional health, the Guinness book of world records sends him a cake. (these are my manifestations, get your negativity out of here)

So there it is, my top 10 goals for the next 10 years. Imperfect, a little vague, surely with struggles of their own… but they are mine, and I am ready.

 It felt good to write it out, therapeutic and encouraging, try it out.. (and … for the record- cheaper than therapy so its worth a shot)

Me at 16

Me at 26

Manifest Psychosis

I’ve been really into the show Manifest

For those who don’t watch it, here is my cliff notes recap with some spoilers so that you sorta understand the rest of this –

“Flight 828 departs from Jamaica in April of 2013, during the routine flight, the plane withstands intense turbulence, but ultimately perseveres through it safely. Upon landing in New York the plane and its occupants are told that 5 and a half years have passed, it is now November 2018, and they have all been presumed dead. The show follows the passengers of 828 and the different ways this anomaly has affected their lives. While they all cope differently, they all now have one thing in common – whatever happened on that plane has connected them forever in a way they can not control. The passengers start having vivid hallucinations, what they refer to as “callings”. The Callings sometimes help them to solve crimes, seek out injustices, connect them to each other or their often-painful pasts. Each Calling is a puzzle of what exactly they must do in order for the hallucination to stop; if they don’t solve them, the calling intensifies, sometimes physically manifesting in/around the passenger(s). “

It’s a good show if you are looking for something to binge.

Anyway, here’s where I come in…

I started watching it while my husband and son were gone for a weekend, and as soon as they got home I started it over because I wanted to watch it with my husband. During episode 1, my husband looked over and jokingly said, “do you just like this because of your psychosis?”. We laughed at what my “callings” really meant.

The first time I heard someone counting down from 7, I propped up in my bed, scanning both the door and windows, waiting for someone to enter. I remember talking to my therapist and her asking “does that number mean anything to you?”… Well, sorta?? It was my husbands baseball number 8 years before I met him, am I supposed to play baseball with Reese? Is that a reach?

I once had a hallucination of my dad coming into my bedroom and releasing dozens of balloons, then abruptly turning away, and shutting the door behind him. I smelled the balloons, that powdery latex smell. I could hear the squeak of the balloons rubbing past each other as they ascended to crowd around the ceiling fan. I got up to go to the bathroom, nearly unphased at the celebration thrust upon me, and when I came back into the bedroom, they were gone. I asked if my dad had been in my room at all, he hadn’t. So what does this one mean? Did I miss someone’s birthday party? Was I supposed to plan a party?

What about the time I saw my living room on fire? It was hot, it crackled, the whole room engulfed in a storm of flames… Did that mean that my décor was tacky and I needed to update the frames on the walls?

It’s funny to joke about, but in all reality, when we first discovered my psychosis, we DID (and I guess, still do..) try to make sense of them. Tried to figure out what they “meant”. I think that’s human nature, to find answers. I think the real sickness would be experiencing psychosis and thinking nothing of it.

Oddly enough, it is so easy to have a “small” hallucination, ground myself out of it, then move on with my day and try to forget it happened. I try to stop myself from doing that - it isn’t healthy or helpful to normalize any of it. I try to always tell Whitney (my bada$$ therapist) or Reese about anything I see or hear, and in turn they ask me grounding questions or connection questions. i.e.) How did the dog react? Did anything seem out of place? How did the voice sound? How did the voice make you feel? What has stressed you out lately? Etc.

While writing this, I tried to think of any one “calling” I was able to effectively connect to a life event and I could not think of one. Sure, sometimes they happened more frequently around times I was stressed, but my stressors were never IN the hallucination.  

Maybe I do relate more to Manifest because their psychosis is a superpower, there is something therapeutic about someone using the thing that drained you as their weapon of choice. Even if its unrealistic, in its own way, it made me feel normal.

Also, telling people you have had a “calling” is WAY more normal sounding than saying “I’m hallucinating” so, I am hanging on to that verbiage.  

All that to say, if I have learned anything in this experience the last year and a half its this -

Its hard, and it sucks, but YOU are not the only one its happening to.

I have found SO much grace from moms, both friends and strangers, who tell me about their struggles. How they related to some part of my story. How they felt less alone, or were able to finally breakthrough to their own truths.

On the days when I feel like I am the crazy one, and crazier for publicizing it, I am so humbly reminded that my true calling is to keep telling my story for all those mommas who feel alone.

“And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose” Romans 8:28.