When was the last time you felt peace?
I was getting my nails done recently, and while chatting with my tech, or really over-explaining my insecurities about my swollen/scarred ankles, recent ankle surgery and went through the saga of my ankles/feet (the short version).
If you already know the deats of this, skip the next paragraph -
To recap -
August of 2022 - I broke my left ankle in 2 places while playing on a slip and slide.
November 2022 - Cast/boot removed from left ankle
December 2022 - Broke RIGHT ankle AT WORK… TRYING TO GO TO THE BATHROO… I was immediately told I would need a surgery to repair the damage done. However, because workmans compensation was covering the medical care, I could not see a surgeon immediately. I was instead forced into 8 weeks of physical therapy.
January 2023 - Our sixth and final (failed) fertility treatment, decide to take a break for my hormones to regulate since i had JUST weaned the antipsychotics fully too.
February 2023 - House burns to the ground… I take 30 days off work to handle this disaster for our newly displaced, absolutely broken hearted family… about this time, workman’s comp decides that I probably need surgery, and send me for an MRI…. An MRI I could no longer receive because, much to our surprise, I was FINALLY pregnant.
**So, I walked around on a severely damaged ankle, for my entire pregnancy, and 6 months thereafter (until my baby was weaned enough for my breast milk to be ok handling anesthesia and pain meds).
May 2024, I finally had my long- awaited full ankle replacement.
June 2024 Have to go back to work, but can only go part time because of the continued pain management
July 2024 - Start PT 2-3x a week. Relearn how to walk, balance, run etc… Continued still, in december!!!!
All that to say - I was overexplaining my scar, and this sweet woman said “you’ve been through so much in the last 2 years, my goodness.”
Internally, I said “oh babe you don’t know the half of it…”
And then, as I tend to do, I trauma dumped on this poor woman…
She was processing it all and let out a deep breath and said, “not to be intrusive, but when was the last time you really felt at peace?”
I jokingly said “I have never known peace.”
And unfortunately, I don’t think that statement is a lie.
My adult life in a nutshell –
2017 –
May -Graduate! Get engaged!
Plan Wedding!
August- Hurricane Harvey, Begin Masters Program!
September - Get Big Girl Job! Move States, start somewhere completely new and alone! Long distance relationship (we were long distance before too, until after we got married)
2018 –
Broke my ankle 52 days before my wedding!
May - Got Married!
June – My long distance relationship ends (he moved in with me)
July – My 12 year old dental implant fails while eating a salad!
August – begin the dental reconstruction saga (toothlessness, 3 surgeries, my first time experiencing depression, an abcess, an emergency dental room visit on vacation)
**still in grad school!**
2019 –
March – my FINAL implant surgery *(thanks doctor Heinrich)*
May – find out im pregnant!!!!!
July – buy our first home!!!
October – Change Jobs!
**STILL IN GRAD SCHOOL**
2020 –
January – had a baby!!!
March – COVID-19 pandemic mandates social distancing and all the things…
May – return to work, severely depressed, suicidal, so confused
June – hit by a car while carrying my infant in a parking lot, perpetrator drives away…
Fall – discover I actually have been having intense hallucinations as well as more self-harming thoughts, diagnosed with post-partum psychosis, start to seek medical care for it..(2 failed psychiatrists).
**oh, by the way, still in grad school… but I did take one semester off when I had ridge**
2021 –
Continue struggling with hallucinations and depression, but decide to start trying for babe#2
July – Finally find a psychiatrist I trust, begin antipsychotics.
August – HEY I GRADUATED WITH MY MASTERS IN TAXATION!!!
2022 –
Feb – Reese and I ring in his 30th and celebrate my graduation with 10 days in Hawaii (HEY!!!! THIS WAS THE LAST TIME I FELT PEACE I THINK??? DOES THIS COUNT??)
Fall – begin weaning antipsychotics (this sucks)
August - see 2nd paragraph from way up there where the ankle/fire/baby saga begins.
Flash forward to now…
- I am 1 year postpartum…
Also, 6 months post ankle-replacement.. still in PT, again 2x a week minimum
Our daughter is considered medically complex, as she was born with an airway disorder. This equates to A LOT of doctors appointments/checkups/specialists.
we are about 8 months into (re)building our dream house where our home once stood.
Oh, we decided to save money by being the general contractor… this feels like both my husband and I are working an actual second job.
Also, still dealing with insurance proceeds, receipts, reimbursements, all the crap that comes with it…
GLAD WE HAD HOME INSURANCE BUT GOODNIGHT THEY DO NOT MAKE IT EASY TO USE.
Oh also, the person we used to help us budget our house was so incredibly bad at the job, we are over budget and too deep to change anything…
Oh also, earlier this week someone broke into our new house and stole about $5,000 of miscellaneous items including MOST OF OUR DOWNSTAIRS FLOORING MATERIAL… (a whole different WILD story)
During all of the above, well for the last 2.5 years, I have been holding down a job I really love, in an environment that absolutely does not love me. At times, ACTIVELY working against me… SO TOXIC I CAN NOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH. I did write a 2 page tangent about this, but decided to redact it, I will eventually expand on this… but for various reasons right now… I’m just gonna say, the vibes are not good…
And that’s all I need on that for now…
So, in my adult life, there was 10 days in February of 2022 where the antipsychotics and antidepressants were WERKING for me and I had the best time with my husband so if that counts – then that was peace.
And I keep saying – when the house is finished, things will settle down..
When the insurance case closes….when I get a new job…. when Kinnie has her surgeries….
But – will it?
Or is this just the reality of life?
It feels like there is ALWAYS something?
Is it supposed to be THIS stressful? Why??? All for what??
The past few weeks I have found myself actively searching for peace. When life is chaotic, which, as you can see feels like always. I don’t know why this small moment with my nail tech hit so hard, but its really forced me to slow myself.
My kids are healthy, my family is safe, I am doing my best… isn’t life supposed to be enjoyable? Peaceful?
Babe, slow the f down. This day only happens once, and that’s if your fortunate enough to get the day to begin with… Ridge will only be THIS little TODAY. Kinnie won’t toddle with her little belly poking out for much longer. Soak it up. Force the peace. Take a breath, imagine the year is 2056, the kids are grown and time travel exists… that version of you wants to visit THIS version of you. THIS version of them. THIS stage is peace, because you want it to be, because you took a breath and did the next right thing, one breath and then the next.
Life is chaotic. Maybe life IS always stressful. Surviving is finding the peace, even in little bitty moments, and piecing it together to make it all worth time traveling to
